My story begins in a small town. Picturesque really. As was my early years. Mom and Dad owning multiple businesses, church on Sunday etc. etc….When I was about 9 years old things would change and so would my family unite, our financial enterprise and most of all…My Mother. Through bad descisions and a rocky marriage. My parents divorced and lost their businesses. My Mother pushed my Father away from a relationship with me with her constantly trying to force one with her. He met a lovely women and settled down in Florida. My Mother wouldn’t allow contact with him anymore and so it would just be her and I .Throughout that year my mothers depression became maddening as did her hiding in her bed popping one anxiety pill after another. I don’t know what she did as I was at school all day, but it became regular upon my returning a specific gentleman I knew as “THE CANDYMAN” was there ..He would give me candy and he was very funny and nice. When I would get home and see his car there. I was very excited. The day that changed me and my life came close to Christmas. It was a cold wintery day. I ran from the bus stop. Seeing his car..I ran even faster! When I came into the house strangely he sat on the couch…My Mom was in her room..I said an awkward hello and went into my Mothers room.She was in bed? It was weird. She told me to go get changed and she would be out soon. So I did. My room was on the other end of the trailer…I walked by this guy and he didn’t say a word..Nor did I .Today..I felt uncomfortable and uneasy. As I approached my bedroom I heard his shoe stick to the linoleum behind me.My hand grabbed my door knob and as I began to walk into my room.I looked up at this giant hand layed up upon my door.. I told him,” I have to get changed” He then said the words that would forever change my life “Let me help you” He came into my room. Helped me get undressed..and then..He raped me..I was roughly about 10 years old. He left when he was done.I layed there crying,waiting for my Mommy to come to help me. She never did. I made it to the bathroom and cleaned up the torture..hobbling back into my moms room.Sobbing.I spoke not a word. She reached into her wooden box on her night stand pulled out a crisp 100$ bill and She said “Oh honey I’m so proud of you..You just bought our Christmas” I was broken. Completely traumatized by what I had just been through. Yet to know that the one person in the world I had to protect me.Gave my purity and childhood away for 100$. My life changed that day. My heart broke in a way no child should ever experience.
It was very important to my mother how she was viewed by others. I believe this is why she sent me to a Christian school. I guess..who would ever think someone that enrolled their child to a Christian school would ever be capable of such despicable things.
Though, if it wernt for the teachings of Jesus there and the tender loving care of the staff. I don’t think I would have survived. God had become the one who never left my side and I was so grateful for the moments I spent with him with my eyes closed just me and him without the noise of the world or the terror of what “after school” would look like that day. The next few years of my life were repetitive. The “candy man” was followed weekly by different men who would I assumed pay my mother to have their pleasures with me. I struggled daily with thoughts of suicide and self harm. Yet in the shadows of my pain there was one thing that kept me from letting go of all hope. That was the relationship I had with Jesus Christ. The one thing no one could steal from me. The more I went through; the closer my walk with Jesus became. I never was angry with God. I had a very clear understanding of what “free will” was and that the gift of free will sometimes made it possible for slugs to do harm. I also never questioned where God was in all of this. I knew God was right there with me. As with every rape I endured; I closed my eyes and thanked God for getting me through it. He did..every time . In my prayers I was removed from my body and taken to a place of peace and safety. People have said “that’s not God..That’s just what your brain did to protect you”
My response “who do you think formed my brain!”
Things began to get volatile as I began to fight back and have courage to stand up to my abusers ; my mother included . My mother began to beat me. Then I began to hit her back. I always tried to not hurt her back, but at times it was hard to respect my mom. As you can understand. One day she told me if I cleaned the bathroom I could go to youth group at a local church that night. I cleaned the bathroom several times . Each time not meeting her standard. I was never allowed to go anywhere without her. So this was a huge deal and I was so excited. That day. I cleaned the bathroom with bleach and a toothbrush. It was now an hour before I had to leave. I put the lid on the bleach bottle and drew myself a bath. I remember wishing I could turn up the heater as my upper body was cold in the tub. She came in ranting and tearing the bathroom apart. Complaining of my horrible job and I wasn’t going. The first time ever I said ” mom. Im going!!..you said I could go if I did a good job cleaning the bathroom. I did it 8X and I’m going!!!” She grabbed the bottle of bleach and began striking me over my back and my head. Suddenly I felt a cool trickling over my face and eyes that began to burn. I couldn’t breath the odor of bleach was debilitating. I remember saying “God help me”. The next moments it was like I was a robot along for the ride. I navigated BLINDED to the back door. Without even a struggle I got the chain and turn lock unlocked BLINDED and navigated naked with the pain of cold and burning bleach through a foot of snow to my neighbors home.
God again..Carried me through. I was bounced to a family member who soon decided she could not emotionally take on the baggage a brought with me.I soon was amancipated by the county court system ..I had to quit school to work full time to support myself. I made the mistake so many young women longing to be loved and excepted make. I got married to fill a void. Then I decided to have children. I trusted no one and spent most days in debilitating anxiety. When my 3rd child was born I had a C-section delivery. I was given a narcotic pain reliever. And for the first time in my life I didn’t feel the pain of being sold by my Mother, or abandoned by my Daddy. But it didn’t take long for the freedom I felt to turn into a prision. I couldn’t pour a bowl of cereal in the morning without throwing up and projectile vomiting unless I had a narcotics in my system. Eventually others saw my addiction. In 2010. CYS took my children away. What now? The only reason to get clean has been taken from me. I layed in my bathtub and cried out to the only power I thought had any chance of helping me because I had tried to stop over and over.I couldn’t. I remember saying”God I need you. I cant live like this anymore. I don’t want to die, but you have gotta do a modern day miracle in my life or I’m coming to see you because I cant imagine a hell…This is hell” That night..I went out to the bar in plans to drink or drug myself to death and maybe get taken and killed by a out of town gas worker. Or…Maybe Ide get a miracle.
I sat down next to the first guy I saw to have them buy me a drink. He asked me “what was wrong” I told him..I told him everything! And I balled. Then..The starangest thing happened..He said “Do you want help?” I said yes..This guy was a COP!!! WHAT A MIRACLE!!! COPS DONT HANG WITH ADDICTS AND ADDICTS STAY AWAY FROM POLICE…I knew this was the unearthly miracle I had begged for. THIS was God helping me..He took me to his home and he was a complete gentleman .
I woke up the next morning…Not in withdrwal from drugs !!! That doesnt happen!!! Someone doesn’t stop using hard drugs withoutbeing very deathly ill! Because of that reason people often give up. But here I was…being completely blessed.
I got involved with a program with other recovering addicts. And I began to work with the system that took my children! My children came home to stay in 2013! I had a lot to prove. It was very emotional and hard. But I have found that doing “the next right thing” blesses us!
I am sober and loving my crazy life! A year and a half ago I married who is also in recovery and a Christian. Together share our story of what God has done for us..Some will tell you”God has nothing to do with it..You have to want to get sober” I am going to say this.Because I have the right to say this. It’s true that you definitely need to want it .I can say this as its my story! I tried EVERYTHING to get better. For years I struggled with the demon of addiction. The wanted to be well for a long time. I just couldn’t until I began to do some things differently. These are the things that made my story successful. I developed a close relatiomship with Christ Jesus, started doing the next right thing, self honesty and honesty to others…became willing and practiced acceptance and forged relationships with people that are working to be healthy minded.Doing these things …There is nothing you cant ahieve and get through..My life today..The wreckage is gone, my relationships are healed, and am about to purchase my first family home!!!…Because I called upon JESUS and was willing to allow him to work in me! There is NOTHING too big for GOD..He weaved the universe into existence..Hes so ready to make your life worth living again..So willing to give you hope ..He loves you and wants you to be a whole strong person . He carried me through the darkest times of my life, times others say “Wheres God” in all this? There is aweful, terrible things in this world…The gift of free will can bless us or ruin us. Sometimes others free will can affect us just the same.
We gotta talk to God to have prayers answered!!!! So. …Cry, rant, swear, yell and tell God whats wrong and how you feel. I say some of the most raw and real prayers, but let m tell you. He answers!!
Month: April 2019
